from the bottom of my soul
by Katra Winner
Summary: Kagome thinks about her double life...like her own version of my earlier fiction 'darkness of the heart'. Please r/r!


{ from the bottom of my soul }   
  
{ an inuyasha fanfiction by katra winner }   
  
***   
  
I am a normal girl. Yeah, right. Well, I suppose it depends on your idea of "normal". I time-travel back to the Sengoku Jidai fairly often, there I search for shards of the Shikon no Tama.   
  
Or at least I used to. Search for shards, I mean. Now there aren't many to look for - the largest part of the jewel is with Naraku. Now my life consists of searching for Naraku, trying to kill him.   
  
When I started out half a year ago, I never imagined it would come to this...I just thought I'd have to miss some school for a bit to find the jewel. After all, it was my responsibility. I mean, I broke the stupid thing. I never intended to make any more friends, to fall in love.   
  
But, guess what...I did. And now I have two families. And I'm confused as hell.   
  
Sometimes I don't want the search to ever end, because I feel free and happy when we're cheerfully walking to the next village. When Inuyasha isn't involved with Kikyou. When Naraku doesn't send one of his puppets or "children" to try and a.: kill us or b.: take our shards.   
  
But sometimes, when Kikyou shows up and gets a reaction out of Inuyasha, when Kagura or Kanna or whoever shows up and is looking for a fight...I just want to go home. To be a normal girl that does not fight youkai on a daily basis. That does not have to pull Inuyasha off of an arrogant wolf youkai.   
  
And Inuyasha...I love you. No matter what, I know I will. You still love Kikyou, and I think that you'll never completely forget about her. She was the first person to understand you, to treat you like you were not a child or a freak. I don't think it's so easy to hate or forget somebody like that.   
  
In the beginning, I harbored no hate for her, either. But now...now I have something to fight her for. She willingly gave Naraku our hard-won Shikon shards; it was her idea! That is not what I would fight over, however. The prize in this deadly game between reincarnations is Inuyasha, not a jewel that causes suffering and hatred in the hands that hold it. Now I can honestly say I hate her. I hate her almost as much as I hate Naraku.   
  
When the search is over, what choices will we all make? Will I chose to stay here, with those I love more than anything? Will Inuyasha chose to live with us, or to die with Kikyou? And Miroku, will he just return to looking for a woman to bear his child? Sango, to being a taiji-ya?   
  
Naraku is a master of traps, and I doubt his greatest one will fade away with his death. The trap that caused Kikyou to hate Inuyasha, and for Inuyasha to decieve himself into thinking he hated Kikyou. If we kill him, will his "children" die as well? I can relate to Kagura, the poor girl only wants to be free, and is fighting against an unrelenting cage. Kanna has no personality, Musou wanted to be his own person, Goshinki didn't seem to care, and Juuroumaru and Kageroumaru were so distracted by bloodlust that they didn't notice.   
  
In my heart, I want to stay with Inuyasha, Sango, Shippou, Miroku, Myouga-jichan, Kaede-bachan, and Kirara forever. But nothing is eternal, I know that. So I'll settle for living with them as long as I can.   
  
The Kagome of old, before my first trip through the well, would say that she would like to be reborn with them - but I now know that reincarnation is simply the recycling of souls, and has nothing to do with the rebirth of people, in the sense of love, hate, and personality. I know, from the man who haunts my dreams, that my life is my own, and when I am reincarnated, my reincarnation will be his or her own person, not a copy of me - who is not a copy of Kikyou.   
  
I want to fly away from the troubles of exams and my friends here and my family. I want to stay forever with those I love. I want Inuyasha to protect me forever, as he would have protected Kikyou. I feel so selfish...I have so many dreams, but have I truly worked towards any of them at all? Any at all? I know that Kikyou will let Inuyasha die, if the opportunity presents itself, and that she would kill me, only I am a useful pawn in her game.   
  
An opponent, and a pawn at the same time.   
  
Mama thinks she has a slight handle on what my life is like. She does not. She does not know the suffering I have to go through every time Kikyou's name is mentioned, and Inuyasha stiffens, and his eyes go hard after softening. Eyes really are the windows to the soul, though those who have sold their souls can imitate pain or heartbreak easily.   
  
I know Kikyou, better than anybody thinks I do. I can see things through her eyes if I try hard enough, and I can see inside of her twisted heart. I knew, really, how Naraku got that shard. I faked ignorance, and I'm not sure if I fooled anybody at all.   
  
Now there are tears running down my cheeks, and all I want to do is sob until I die.   
  
Because even if I give Inuyasha forever, his love for Kikyou will keep her alive. But...does he love her? Does he really? If I think hard, wipe away all emotions and other things that would hamper my view, if I turn this into a simple logic problem, then I know that Inuyasha does not love her. Not really.   
  
I think he knows that he will never forget her, partly because she was able to look past that mask he put up around his soul.   
  
And one day, Kikyou will either realize that Inuyasha belongs to me now, or die.   
  
I hope she dies a painful death. A slow, agonizing death.   
  
And I hope I'm there to watch.   
  
***   
  
Wauw...this another thing that falls under the folder Relina has on her computer - "Crapola Katra Made At Midnight". ^.~   
  
Please r/r...I know I was a little harsh on the end, but I hope you'll forgive me.   
  
Ja ne, minna-chan!   
  
-Katra Winner 


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